You Really Ought to Read it First: The Bible is Literally True?


In this second entry of “You Really Ought to Read it First”, we’re going to talk about the Bible in general. There are a lot of people who, in spite of all the truly weird stuff that’s in it, believe the Bible is literally true. Like every word of it. Understand when I say “truly weird stuff”, I mean things like:

  • A talking donkey. And, when I say, “talking donkey”, I mean like in Shrek, only not as funny.  In the book of Numbers, there is a prophet named Balaam, whose donkey begins to speak to him. And, what did Balaam do when his donkey spoke to him? He had a conversation with it. Like it was the most normal thing in the world. Which could be true if the drugs are good enough.
  • God sending bears to maul 42 kids for making fun of Elisha. Yes, you read that right: The God that Christians continually refer to as a “loving father” sent a couple of bears to maul some kids after Elisha “cursed them in the Lord’s name” for calling him “Baldy”.
  • Stoning smart-alecky kids. That’s right, beloved, the “Good Book” says that if your child is consistently stubborn and rebellious, they should be stoned. And, not in the good way, either. To be fair, though, after raising a couple of teenagers, I can see where this one was coming from.
  • Moses checking out God’s butt. I mean, yeah, it says “back parts”. But, where I come from, that’s “butt” all day long.
  • Sheep that look at striped sticks while mating giving birth to striped, speckled, and spotted babies. Who knew you could genetically engineer livestock with a few sticks? I’ll bet all those egghead scientists feel pretty stupid whenever they read this one.
  • God giving the Philistines hemorrhoids for taking the Ark of the Covenant. That’s right, people, mess with God (or even God’s people) and you get hemorrhoids. I realize this may be TMI, but I’ve had hemorrhoids and, frankly, I’d rather be mauled by bears.

After reading all this, you probably said to yourself, “Why would any thinking person believe these insane things actually happened?” (they do) And, close on the heels of that, you probably thought, “Maybe they haven’t actually read it.” (they have, often and extensively) My take on the matter is that, while they’ve read it, they haven’t done a lot of thinking on the subject. Maybe this will spur them to spend some time in contemplation. I’m not holding my breath, though.

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