All right, Halloween and the election are over and there’s nothing left to get in the way of the holidays. But that doesn’t mean all you Christmas cluckers can start with all your “Tis the season” crap. I mean ,seriously, Christmas is two months away and if you start this twaddle now, by the time the day actually gets here, we’ll be looking at the epitome of the proverbial dead horse. Besides, Christmas doesn’t actually begin until December 25th. The time leading up to that is Advent (I hate Advent and you jackasses just made me reference it. I will never forgive you.) and that doesn’t even start until November 29th. Second, jumping the gun the way you nerds do completely ignores the hands-down best holiday of the year: Thanksgiving.
Right about now, some miscreant is thinking, “Thanksgiving? What’s so great about that?” Really? Thanksgiving is the best. And, here are just a few reasons why:
- All the food, none of the stress. Look, after a certain point in your life, all that opening presents crap starts to lose it’s appeal. Granted, the charm makes a comeback when your kids are little, and again when you have grandchildren, but the universal constants of Christmas are food and stress. And, there’s a ton of both. With Thanksgiving, however, you forego the stress and eat yourself into a food coma. How can gifts compete with that?
- Speaking of food. American Thanksgiving fare may be one of our greatest contributions to the culinary world. Okay, excluding turkey. I’m not really a fan of some dried bird meat. But, mashed potatoes, gravy, dressing/stuffing, deviled eggs, green beans, biscuits, and pumpkin pie? Oh god, yes! I realize I didn’t include macaroni and cheese in that list. For me, the jury is out on whether it’s a legitimate Thanksgiving side (in my family, it makes an appearance on New Year’s with the black-eyed peas and collards), but I ain’t hatin’. If it’s part of your tradition, go ahead on.
- The leftovers. Oh my god, the leftovers. Yeah, I know they start to get monotonous after a while (turkey sandwiches, turkey salad, turkey gravy, turkey hash, turkey a la king, turkey soup), but until they do? Heaven. Just… heaven. Especially this sandwich.
- Spending time with family. Okay, this one is a bit of a double-edged sword. If you’re lucky, like me, you have a family you actually want to hang around with. But, not everyone is so fortunate. Look at this way, if you’re not one of the lucky few, Thanksgiving is pretty much a one day deal which translates to a much shorter time with relatives who irritate you than Christmas requires.
- Because it falls on Thursday, it’s always a guaranteed 4 day weekend. This is one of the most underrated perks of Thanksgiving. A for sure long weekend every time it rolls around? Take that, Christmas with your middle-of-the-week crap.
- The parades and football. Okay, I hate football (sports in general, really) but watching football is a Thanksgiving tradition even if it’s the freakin’ Lions. And, the parades aren’t what they used to be, with all those Broadway numbers and such. If I’m being honest, Christmas Day, with it’s “A Christmas Story” marathon, actually has better televison options. But, tradition is tradition, and we will watch parades and football on Thanksgiving Day.
- The nap. I suppose you could take a nap on Christmas Day but when would you find the time? Between the enforced socializing, eating 2-3 meals, opening gifts, and traveling to multiple relatives homes, you can barely catch your breath, much less take a snooze. But, napping is de rigueur on Thanksgiving. In fact, about 30 minutes after the meal, the fat, Trump-supporting uncle that drives you crazy is going to be kicked back in the recliner with his hand shoved into the waistband of his pants (belt unbuckled, of course) snoring like a freight train and you’ll get a few moments peace even you don’t take a nap yourself.
- It’s not religious. That means you don’t have put up with the Christian culture warriors and their incessant carping about the “War on Christmas”. You will have to listen to basic white girls yammer on about pumpkin spice lattes but that’s a trade I’ll make any day.
- Corporations haven’t found an easy way to cash in on Thanksgiving. That means it’s not nearly as commercialized as Christmas. Sure, there’s Black Friday. But that can work in your favor since most of your more aggravating family members are often the ones who love that stuff. They head out to stand in long lines and fight crowds for deals that aren’t really deals and leave you at home with all that lovely food. That’s a win in any book if you ask me.
- NO GIFTS! That’s right, friends. No obsessing over finding the perfect present for that cousin that’s so hard to buy for, no trekking out and fighting crowds, and, most importantly, no spending money you don’t have on crap they don’t really want. Does it get any better than that?
- It’s the perfect excuse for day drinking. Not only is a glass of wine part of the Thanksgiving meal in many households, a cocktail or two before eating is also included. And then, there’s the digestif, an after-dinner drink to aid digestion (man, the French think of everything). Just make sure your uncle stays away from the Irish coffee or you might not get those few moments of peace.
Before I close, I want to stress that this is not an exhaustive list. It’s just the things I could think of in the moment. And, believe me, I am no expert on holidays. If there are egregious errors, please feel free to drop a comment and inform me of them. If not, then tell a Christmas freak to shut up and wait until December to start their BS. Have a Happy Thanksgiving, y’all.